It has warmed up here enough that I can usually use the hose to fill the trough. After a month or more of carrying buckets to the cattle, I am REALLY excited about that, even if it means walking in mud. I am also trying to forgive my butcher for pushing back the processing date for half these beasts time and time again. Two more days is all…

We’re all mostly well most of the time, but I’m fighting discouragement quite a bit. Regular household upkeep is really, really hard. Not so much the *doing* of it, but the *getting of the kids to do it.* I do NOT want them completely clueless or incapable come adulthood, but they have a completely lazy human nature I’m afraid, and overcoming that isn’t high on their priority lists. πŸ™‚ Then I run across blogs or comments from people I know in real life – whose kids are vying for more responsibility (and they’re half the ages of mine, and twice in number), or who are purposefully arranging their lives so they can master art or music or foreign languages or business, or are making drastic, brave changes in their lifestyle to follow God’s leading. I envy all of this, though I’m well aware that envy doesn’t produce life. πŸ™‚ I’m asking God for grace, to help me see a lesson and take heart (instead of feeling condemned and like a screw-up) when I find someone “doing it” in the kids/housework department. For time and vision to pursue what He has for me as His child. For a willingness to be flexible and brave, holding on to my own plans and ideas loosely, but also not being discontented with what I’ve chosen.

That’s a tall order, I think. There are other things I am holding out hope for, but they are less in my control. πŸ™‚

On the other hand, the past couple months have been lovely for fellowship. I feel like we’re really a ‘part’ of the re-church we’re part of, and I haven’t felt that excitement in a very, very long time. And because I always take both sides of a position, I’m also anxious that that excitement might be wrong, setting me up for the same kinds of problems that occurred last time I was in that place. Phooey. I am trying to moderate my heart, to be a friend without being a project, love and serve without expecting or needing it returned. To love Jesus, and to love for Jesus. And perhaps most difficult, be loved by Him. Something I heard lately that really stuck with me was a remark about the sheep-and-goats story. You know, where “In that day..” many will come and say, “Lord, lord, didn’t we do all these great godly things in Your name?” And He replies, “depart from me, evildoers. I never knew you.” But what do we always pray and sing? “I want to know You more!” — Which is very good, I daresay, but He didn’t say, “You don’t know me,” He said, “*I* don’t know YOU.” THAT is an interesting distinction. So I’m trying to not assume because He can count the {gray} hairs on my head, that I don’t have to be purposefully vulnerable and open with Him. I think maybe I DO need to on-purpose let Him know me. As opposed to using my church-face, or my Pharisee-prayers, or whatever we tend to do. πŸ™‚

May we embrace the journey and adventure, whatever that looks like.